My lessons in self love and abundance- reforming my goals

by misstca

The previous 21 day meditation challenge left me feeling much more positive and overflowing with forgiveness and love- even for those who I’ve had little for in the past.  I can see that this path in this current 21 day meditation (currently on day 6) is definitely heading in a direction to help me form a deeper level of gratitude.  But I have this terrible feeling that somehow I’m holding myself back from focusing on how this applies to myself.  This is a surreal experience- kind of living in my head – but still expending energy on those in the world around me . .  . when I still lack in forgiveness and love and gratitude for myself.  My emotional bank feels near empty or at least the levels rapidly fluctuate between high and low but fail to maintain a steady healthy level.  So I do feel this mind and heart exploration is very important and is helping me develop patience and love.  In my roots I still have a lot of self loathing.   Here’s a question:  Isn’t it complacency and a little too much acceptance of my life choices that got me to where I am physically and emotionally?

20 years ago I gave up on the academy- and I’ve been making excuses for myself ever since.  All of the people who thought I shouldn’t have ever been at the academy were right- I had no business being there.  Then again I have been very lucky at every turn in my career since that time.  I’m 6 months from 40- that was 20 years ago- why can’t I get over it already?  I’m 60 to 70 lbs overweight- but I have two awesome sons and a loving husband and an amazing job, very tolerant boss and peers.   I’m snappy with my family and employees- people must be tired of me and my bullshit already.  There are days when I truly think things might be easier without me being here- that I’m the one that creates the drama and the ensuing trauma that I need to then help heal and smooth over.

So shouldn’t I be mad at myself and kick my ass into gear and sit down and shut up since I’m really the one who is insecure?  I’m afraid to allow me to love myself in that I’ll continue to be complacent . . . I’m afraid to let myself off the hook.  Isn’t that ass-backwards logic?  Don’t I need some TLC too?  Who’s looking out for me?  It sounds dumb but I want to be taken care of to some extent.  Not that I want to stay at home to eat bon-bons, but that I want my husband to tell me to get out the door a couple of nights a week to get to an exercise class.  Somehow I live in fear that I’m going to lose everything that I have, and I may well make that a self-fulfilling prophecy if I don’t start to take care of myself.

When I scream at the kids I need to remember that I’m mad at my inability to ‘control’ the situation or ‘control’ them.  When in reality the situation probably doesn’t require ‘control’ as I’ve probably done something to contribute to it.  Wasn’t giving my full attention when requested, etc so they went and did whatever they wanted.

I hope that I’m near rock-bottom on the self-loathing and that we can see an upswing from here.  For WIP I’m still focusing on my meditation + exercise + food combination.  I need to focus on food as fuel- so it’s more mechanical and I can “HALT” the emotional eating.  The meditation should probably be further broken down into love + gratitude so I can remember why I’m doing this and why I need to remain on this earth for as long as possible.  So maybe a reformulation of my WIP is now:

love + gratitude + exercise + fuel